about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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