I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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