I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
