I CAN MOONWALK!
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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