I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize