I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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