it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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