Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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