I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Are we still banned from the library?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
