we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
