Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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