My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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