explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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