just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
