So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
