I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
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