see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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