I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
