this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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