I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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