I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
