thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
