life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
