he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
