the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
