finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
