I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
pray to the hookup gods
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
