After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
