the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
