I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
