she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
