I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
