Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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