My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize