Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
