just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
