Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
