I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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