your parents love me but you hate me
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize