he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize