The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
