I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
