when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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