he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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