I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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