seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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