i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
