I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
