Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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