If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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