We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
