$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
