I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
