i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
