i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
