doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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