His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
