if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
