this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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