this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
