Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
