Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
