I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
