My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
