If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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