that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
