i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
