i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
