omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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