I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
