I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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