I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
