i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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