Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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