the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
